The Verdict Is In

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I told you so.

I’ve been telling you for years.

If you know me in real life, for YEARS I have been telling you that I have a bad dog.

Here’s his mug shot, as he wears the Cone of Shame:

Deacon D. Dawg has been trouble since Day One. For the first three years of his life, he did nothing but ingest anything and everything he could get his mouth on. And then he would spend the days following a binge in a terrible bulimic purge cycle of throwing up to the point that he couldn’t quit throwing up, and needed intervention from the vet to NOT die of dehydration. (Why we kept him alive? One of those unanswerable questions for the ages, I guess.)

He has eaten socks, knee hi hosiery, and more socks, gloves, hair scrunchies, used feminine hygiene products.

He steals the kid’s toys, and has eaten every kind of plastic toy that China has ever produced, to the point of us dubbing him a plastivore. He has uprooted trees in a nervous frenzy to demonstrate his retrieval prowess when company comes, and has brought home countless box turtles to devour. To Deacon, a box turtle is like a box of chocolates: crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.

He has eaten and rolled in every kind of animal dropping native to Middle Tennessee.

Back when we had better access to the creek where we used to live, he has marinated himself in creek water, dipping seven, eight, ten times a day, to the point that the odor from his neck and collar were so disgusting, that we named him Mr. Stenchy.

Really, I ask you: Is this charge I bring, that my dog is a bad dog, is it wrong?

Well, in his defense, and it is a paltry defense at best, Deacon has one good thing he occasionally does: if the paper that we get on Saturdays and Sundays is thrown inside the electric dog fence, he WILL retrieve the paper, and bring it to us intact. And while this ability to retrieve the paper is a job that brings Deacon’s retriever heart the greatest doggy joy, the downside is that if the paper is NOT thrown inside the electric fence, he will stand at the end of the driveway and bark, and bark, and bark his fool head off, awaking my neighbors on their one day of the week to sleep in. So, if you let him out on a Saturday or Sunday morning, you either have to be fully dressed, or feeling REALLY lucky that day to take the risk that the paper might be inside his fence boundary.

So, anyway, yesterday morning, the jury came back on the charge I have been making for years: DeakieBoy is a BAD DOG.

And the verdict is:


  1. Cost of one labrador puppy: $300
    Cost of countless toys & household items: $500
    Cost of dog shampoo: $20
    Picture of Deak holding that newspaper: Priceless

  2. At least he stays in the electric fence. The fellow who put ours in said that the only dogs he had ever dealt with that were completely untrainable when it came to the fence were labs!

  3. Anonymous says

    I agree with Chloe – Priceless!!! You couldn’t have scripted that better if you had tried.

    Good to see you blogging again – I’ve missed it!

    Love, Kristi (inthe Country)
    ps. I can’t remember my Google account info, so I’m posting anon.

  4. Hilarious! Love that photo!

  5. LOL! If I hadn’t already fallen in love with Ursula I think Deacon might be my new Avatar.

    oh, and YES. He’s bad! OY!!!

  6. What a hoot! Jmmom and you need to compare notes on bad doggies – hers has similar tendencies 😀

  7. ginnymae says

    I just peed myself. You’re hilarious and that photo needs to be blown up and framed.

  8. Love that picture! You should enter it is a contest! Lots of dog owners would totally agree!

  9. Love it, Susan! Such a great photo, especially because the dogs expression makes him look so innocent.

  10. Is That Dog in bed with Anne-tastic? Please tell me he didn’t chew on her!

    The picture with the paper is amazing! Definitely a contest-winner.

  11. Yes, that thieving dog monkey-napped sweet Anne-tastic, who sleeps on my bed. When he is all stressed out, he will jump up on my bed and grab her to chew on her a bit. He knows he mustn’t. He’s been scolded several times, and yet, he is drawn to you…er…her irresistibly, as a moth to the flame. Mercifully, he hasn’t inflicted much damage….YET.

  12. Oh that is too funny!

  13. He is too cute for words. What a loveable dog. We have a lab too. There’s no tellin’ how much non-edible items he’s consumed so far in his 7 years of life. They just can’t help themsevles! lol

  14. I feel dirty. 😉

  15. Ha ha ha…I love Deakie and I don’t even know him! I love this post. Your writing is so entertaining!

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