Recipe for a Redneck Brew-sketta (aka a Tomato Sandwich)

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Is that processed cheese food you see there in the background? Yew betcha.

Is that processed cheese food you see there in the background? Yew betcha.

In the South, we love our tomato sandwiches, and at my house, my husband and I are no different.

Wait. That’s a lie.

While it may be true that in the South, we love our tomato sandwiches, in this house, we are a house divided against itself on the topic of Tomato Sandwiches. I hope to God it doesn’t come to Civil War, but I can assure you that on this topic, I have been anything BUT civil with my husband, as I STRONGLY express my differing opinion.

The Gulf that lies between us is great. And that Gulf is filled with Miracle Whip.

Ew.

If your body just involuntarily shivered, come sit next to me. Let me make you a tomato sandwich, the way a tomato sandwich SHOULD be made. 

We’ll need the best bread we can scrounge up: hopefully some chewy, crusty artisan bread. Let’s drizzle the outside of each slice with a little olive oil and throw it on the griddle pan. Now run to the herb box outside the kitchen door and pick a couple of leaves of fresh basil. Good. Remove the bread that’s been lightly browned on one side from the grill. Lay down the lovely, juicy, thick slab of tomato on top of the first slice. Grind some pepper. Sprinkle some fresh sea salt. Drizzle with just a touch more olive oil. Spread the untoasted side of the other piece of bread with a modest amount of Hellman’s mayo. Place the mayo’d slice on top. (Drizzling the tomato with a splash of balsamic vinegar or adding in a slice or two of crisp bacon and lettuce are, of course, your choice. Welcome additions they may be, and certainly not cause for offense or incivility.)

My husband says that my tomato sandwiches remind him a lot of bruschetta. Fair enough. Bruschetta just means “grilled bread” and whatever topping you decide to grace it with. So, technically, my tomato sandwich is just a bruschetta with a top hat. But in the interests of preserving White Trash southern culture, such as it is, my husband felt strongly that he wanted to share his recipe on my blog, thus preserving it for the ages. There’s probably enough preservative in that plastic cheese slice to preserve it for SEVERAL ages, in my opinion.

I admit: this DOES look good. But that's because you can't tell for certain that there's Miracle Whip running amok.

I admit: this DOES look good. But that’s because you can’t tell for certain that that white stuff is Miracle Whip. You can pretend it’s mayonnaise.

But in the interests of fair and balanced journalism, I now present to you my husband’s version of a ‘Mater Sammich. I call it the White Trash Version. I think the fact that I gave him all the pictures in this post demonstrates my complete and utter confidence in mine own recipe’s inherent superiority. Plus, he was holding the camera, and would not give way to my pleas for journalistic integrity. (But since I’m writing the copy, I got him back. You’ll see.) Here’s how Rednecks make a ‘Mater Sammich:

Throw some white bread in the toaster. Slice up a slab of tomater. Salt & pepper it. Lay it on the toast, and peel you a processed cheese food slice of plastic – er,  I mean Velveeter. Now slather that bread with sweet, nasty caulk. I mean Miracle Whip. Put on its little toast hat. Pour yerself an ice cold brew-ski. 

You’ve just made a Redneck Brew-sketta.

Live it up in the time that is yet allotted to you, because your arteries are going to be filling up fast.

 

Redneck Brew-sketta.

Redneck Brew-skettas contain Miracle Whip. I’m sorry. Truly. 

 Please pin this post. Pinterest NEEDS Redneck Brew-skettas. So do Facebook and Twitter, for that matter.

And tell me: where do YOU stand on the Mayonnaise/Miracle Whip issue? Leave me a comment, and take a stand!
(I bet there are some abolitionists out there, who would rid the world of all creamy white spreads. Good luck with that!)

 

Comments

  1. afterthekidsleave says

    Miracle Whip is a tool of the devil, while Hellman's is an essential part of anyone's daily food intake. I think it's actually on the food pyramid, under the heading, "foods made from angel wings and pixie dust".
    I'm on your side, Susan!

  2. Elizabeth Lee says

    Miracle Whip is nasty sweet goo. Hellman's is the real stuff. I'll come sit by you.

  3. Sharon Andrews says

    Miracle Whip, Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

    Best tomato sandwich every contains salsa and is open face.

    Slather salsa on your white bread, place tomato with salt, cover with Cheddar Cheese and toast.

    It contains neither mayo nor Miracle Whip.

    If you must use store bought Mayo, it must be Duke's.

  4. Mayo all the way, and here in the Wild West, it's Best Foods mayo. Miracle Whip is of the debil….eewwwwww, shudder.

  5. lindseywilliams440 says

    What is wrong with you people? The names of these products pretty much says where they are from…… Miracle Whip = something whipped up in God's own kitchen and Hellman's well that's straight out of the pit….

  6. Both of you put way too much work into a tomato sandwich, really! Two slices of soft white bread (Publix brand will do nicely) slathered with MAYO (on this, I insist) layered with red juicy slices of tomato, some salt and pepper and a slice of cheese (as a poor child it was guvm'nt cheese, of course, but now a delicious slice of deli sharp cheddar, is preferred) all slapped together is the appropriate recipe for a tomato sandwich. Grilling it? That's a bit hoity toity, now isn't it?

  7. When I was a little girl, my mom bought a bottle of Miracle Whip and I fell in love. Of course I did, because it's sweet. What kid doesn't like sweet? Today, I couldn't imagine touching it! And, as for my sandwich choice, I'd love it if you made it, thank you. 🙂

  8. Diane Barlow says

    My Uncle Eric made the best tomato sandwich in the entire world. Hold onto your hat Susan, you're not going to like this. Very fresh white bread (yup, out of a bag) one slice spread with Miracle Whip and the other slice with smooth and creamy Kraft peanut butter. He then placed a big fat slice of beef steak tomato on one side and a slice of sharp cheddar cheese on the other. After that he kind of smooshed them together gently so that they stuck but didn't leak juice all over ya. Maybe it's childhood memories, not sure, but to this day it is my favourite tomato sandwich. Yes, I do re-enact this ritual from time to time. Uncle Eric was quite a character, not sure he was ever sober after the war but he was a lot of fun.

  9. Never, ever, Miracle Whip. Never! Ever! Blech. Quick story, when Emily was about four we were at a friends house, she made Em and her son a sandwich. Em took one bite and came and whispered in my ear that something was wrong with her sandwich. I took a taste and something was most definitely wrong with it! It had been made with Miracle Whip. Even a four year old knew that that was just wrong…

    I love tomato sandwiches. I love bruschetta, which around here would be called brew-shedda. When I say it properly (all those Italian lessons) no one knows what I'm talkin' about. Your version of a tomato sandwich sounds amazing and I and will definitely be trying it.
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  10. cinderellahln says

    Leave off the Miracle Whip/Mayo (ew & ew) and make it into a grilled cheese & you have one of my favorite sandwiches ever! (It's even better if you use TWO slices of American cheese, with the slice of tomato in between them 😉

  11. LOL!! I grew up in a Miracle Whip family. But then I moved out and into the BIG CITY to take a job at an inner city hospital. This is where they serve tiny packets of Hellman's Mayo with the pre-made turkey sandwiches in the hospital cafeteria. One of the few things available on the night shift. It was LUV at first bite. My parents still feel they don't know me anymore!
    And, my vote is for the fancy to-mah-to sandwich. Yum!
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